I had to find a deep, deep love for myself first that gave me the courage to find the brave lion that was inside of me.
I sat there ready to run or to throw up. I wasn’t sure which. The door knob turned, a book fell on the shelf, at least I thought it was the shelf because it was pitch dark. I sat in tears in the meditation room that had once been filled with fading sunlight, but now was pitch dark.
Something brushed my face softly. Something touched my back. Then I heard a whisper and my mind screamed. I sat there alone wondering in hysteria what feared me more, believing there was something unseen touching me or believing my mind was creating this and I was crazy. I was caught between two fears and it was tearing me apart.
Walking to the meditation room for before the rest of the retreat group got there for our evening session made sense at the time. I walked there in the light before sunset. My night blindness was bad, and without my eyes to tell me things weren’t really there my fears took over.
The light was gone now, and I hadn’t thought to turn on the lights before I sat down to meditate. Before sitting I had pulled an oracle card. It had a picture of a lion – and the words STRENGTH. I couldn’t see it now but I knew it laid there in front of me. It’s called to me and it called me out. In tears, I laughed, “I’m so more like the Cowardly Lion than the King of the Jungle.” There I rocked, I felt, I heard, until the other student arrived.
I stayed stuck between those two fears for years. Is what I’m feeling and hearing real? Or am I going insane? These fears were surrounded by more. Mainly the fear of telling anyone what I was going through. Both are not exactly socially acceptable. I was caught, and I was spinning. I was becoming more and more miserable. My mental, emotion and physical health was taking a toll.
I hit my rock bottom. I say, MY rock bottom, because I believe you can continually spiral down infinitely until YOU decide enough. I was in my “dark night of the soul”, or as I like to put it, my “dark monkey forest” on the path to Oz.
The details of this darker period aren’t important. We all of them. It’s what got me out that’s important. COURAGE. I decided to face my fears. I signed up to work with a Shaman to intentionally learn to contact spirits. It happened to be in the town my step-daughter
was attending college. I walked up to the front gate, and then proceeded to turn around and get back into my car. I called my step-daughter up and asked her to go to dinner. At dinner I told her all my “What if” fears. She listened and said, “What’s the harm in just trying?”
Sometimes you have to borrow a little bravery until you can find your own. I walked through those gates and had the most profound experience of my life. I met my spirit guides and over the years I’ve become more fluent in conversing with them and others spirits.
I was the Cowardly Lion. I had been sitting in the dark monkey forest, and here comes Dorothy, The Tin Man, and The Scarecrow, aka my spirit guides. They are heading to Oz… they want to invite me on the journey, but I’m going to scare them and tell them to go away and leave me here, even though I terrified of this place. What I really was – was afraid of myself. It took courage to acknowledge who I was. I had to find a deep, deep love for myself first that gave me the courage to find the brave lion that was inside of me.
It’s not that suddenly I said, “I love me! I’m not afraid!” I wish. It took time and patience. Each brave step lead to another brave step. I met obstacles, but each time I took the path of unconditional love for myself those obstacles became small. I had fears of abandonment of family and friends, lost of work. My family, friends and work evolved with me. All are richer than ever because of my courage to be myself. As for my work… it evolved too. My fears have now become my work. My biggest hold back was thinking my fears were special. Yours aren’t either, no matter how much you try to convenience yourself they are and no one will understand. Your fears that you are so in love with are not keeping you safe. They are keeping you a shadow of yourself. We all have a lion inside. I found my lion inside. This Cowardly Lion too found her courage too hiding away in the land of Oz. She roars with delight when I now introduce myself now… Lora Keddie – spirit talker.